there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
