i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize