The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
