dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
