smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
