You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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