Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
