He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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