I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
