her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize