I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
