Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You have to summon your inner elephant
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
