good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
