Need sex. Gaining weight.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
