feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
