He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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