he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
