i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
two words...techno handjob
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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