note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
jump out the window naked night went bad
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