I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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