Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
