Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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