I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
