thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
