Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
