I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
