the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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