my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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