one two three fourrrrnication!
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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