it's too hot outside to masturbate.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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