I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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