Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
