I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
