Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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