No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
