From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
