Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
