she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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