glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
