In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
