I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
its not stalking. its research.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
