He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
