so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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