I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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