Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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