dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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