I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
