I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I cannot find my penis.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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