He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
