Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
