i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
