Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
