When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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