I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
